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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #41
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

    Instructions on how to clean your toilet

    1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
    water in the bowl.

    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
    bathroom.

    3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
    lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

    4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
    noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
    and rinse".

    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
    are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
    lids.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
    and run outside where he will dry himself off.

    9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

    Sincerely,

    The Dog

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    4

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    A ten year old boy just got a bicycle for present from his parents and proudly showed the bike for the whole neighborhood, when a riding police stopped to talk to the boy. The police dismounted the horse, and looked at the bicycle.

    -"Nice bike, is it yours?"
    -"Yes", the boy replied.
    -"Did you get it from your parents?"
    -"Yes."
    -"Tell them until next time, that if they had put some reflectors on it I wouldn't have to write you a ticket. You know, it's both dangerous and illegal to ride a bike without them."

    The police begun to write the ticket.

    -"Nice horse, is it yours?", the boy suddenly said.
    -"Thank you, yes it is.", the officer replied.
    -"Did you get it from your parents?"
    The officer replied "yes", with a chuckle.
    -Then, tell them until next time, that the ******* should be on the backside of the horse, not riding on top of it.
    Last edited by Alky; 03-25-2007 at 02:26 PM.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please try to pay attention.

    We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts do not like to be called "Towel Heads," since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small, folded sheet.

    Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as:

    "Little Sheet Heads."

    Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
    __________________

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

    Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

    About 40 students raise their hands.

    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

    15 students raise their hands.

    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

    3 students raise their hands.

    "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...

    Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

    One student in the back raises his hand.

    The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

    The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have *** with a ghost.

    The student replies, "Ghost?!?"

    "Dang it, I thought you said goats.'"

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

    The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

    The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

    The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

    "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

    St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Top 10 Pet Peeves (from your dog)
    1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

    2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!

    3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

    4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

    5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why We chew your stuff up when you're not home.

    6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

    7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

    8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

    9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

    10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile!

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    DIARY

    of a

    SNOW SHOVELER



    DECEMBER 6: 6:00 PM

    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our ****tails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow.


    DECEMBER 7:

    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight ! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World ? Moving here was the best idea I ever had.

    Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a young boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life !


    DECEMBER 12:

    The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a White Christmas.

    No snow on Christmas would be awful ! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.


    DECEMBER 14:

    Snow lovely snow ! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to – 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and the sidewalks.

    This is the life ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.


    DECEMBER 15:

    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer.

    The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t living in Alaska, after all.


    DECEMBER 16:

    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway, putting down salt. Hurts like the ****ens. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.







    DECEMBER 17:

    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.


    DECEMBER 20:

    Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night.

    More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel for me, but they all said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re all sold out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.


    DECEMBER 22:

    Bob was right about a White Christmas because 23 more inches of the darn white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee’d and got dressed again, I was to tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.


    DECEMBER 23:

    Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts ! ! ! ! ! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago ? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.


    DECEMBER 24:

    Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes roaring down the street at 100 mile an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just shoveled !

    This evening the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that darn snowplow.


    DECEMBER 25:

    Merry Christmas.

    20 more inches of the white stuff last night. Snowed in.

    The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow ! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation for the needy and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

    If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life “ one more time, I’m going to kill her !







    DECEMBER 26:

    Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here ? It was all HER idea.

    She’s really getting on my nerves !


    DECEMBER 27:

    Temperature dropped to – 30 and the pipes froze.


    DECEMBER 28:

    Warmed up to about – 20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy ! ! ! !


    DECEMBER 29:

    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof off or it could cave in.

    That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am ?


    DECEMBER 30:

    Roof caved in.

    The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.

    The wife went home to her mother.

    9 more inches of snow predicted for tomorrow.


    DECEMBER 31:

    Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling ! ! !


    JANUARY 8:

    I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

    Why am I strapped to this bed ?

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

    woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her

    rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple

    seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still

    working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me

    so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my

    other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car

    using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away

    from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and

    burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the **** phone, soaked my trousers,

    and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers!!!
    __________________

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and has not
    seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."_
    _
    To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
    whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and
    asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find
    it.__Be strong, honey. I love you too.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
    but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
    the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two men applied to the job. One was *** and the other a drunk. She
    thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
    decided to hire the *** guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
    around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
    a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
    ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to
    the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
    great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

    The hired hand readily agreed and went into the town one Saturday
    night. One o'clock cam, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock,
    and no hired hand.

    He returned around 2:45 a.m. and upon entering the room he found the
    rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
    for him.

    She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
    off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

    "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed
    neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
    told and dropped it to the floor.

    "Now, she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
    slowly pulled them down and off.

    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
    again, I'll fire you."

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