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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #241
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    The Blonde Year In Review
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

    February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

    March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

    April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

    May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

    June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - After losing in a ****** stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

    August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

    September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

    October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

    December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

  2. #242
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Good Chicken Recipe
    Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for you guys who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

    BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
    6-7 lb. baking chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
    1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
    Salt/pepper to taste
    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

    And you thought I couldn't cook.
    __________________

  3. #243
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    INNER STRENGTH
    If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills.
    If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
    If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time.
    If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
    If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
    If you can conquer tension without medical help.
    If you can relax without liquor.
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
    If you can do all these things ............








    THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG .......

  4. #244
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    MILITARY RULES

    US Marine Corps Rules:

    1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
    3. Have a plan.
    4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
    5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
    7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
    9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
    10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
    13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

    US Navy SEAL's Rules:

    1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
    2. Kill every living thing within view.
    3. Adjust speedo.
    4. Check hair in mirror.
    5. Wait for the Naval fleet to deploy the Marines.

    US Army Rangers Rules:

    1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
    2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
    3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
    4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
    5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

    US Army Rules:

    1. Select a new beret to wear.
    2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
    3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

    US Air Force Rules:

    1. Have a ****tail.
    2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
    3. See what's on HBO.
    4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
    5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
    6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
    7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
    8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
    9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

    US Navy Rules:

    1. Go to Sea.
    2. Drop off SEAL's
    3. Drink Coffee.
    4. Deploy the Marines.
    5. Sit off shore and watch the fireworks
    6. Drink Coffee

  5. #245
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    --Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
    child playing with matches.

    ---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be Also, my memory's not as
    sharp as it used to be.

    --- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
    replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
    blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
    medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
    bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
    feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
    But,
    thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    --- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
    doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
    decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
    gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
    time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

  6. #246
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

    They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

    Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

    "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

    The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

    The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.


    There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

    The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

    He placed one half in front of his wife.

    Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

    Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."


    Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

    She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

    A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

    The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

    As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

    After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

    What is it that you are waiting for?"

    She answered,










    "THE TEETH"

  7. #247
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
    I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
    child processing that took up a lot of space and
    valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
    itself into all other programs and now monitors all
    other system activity. Applications such as Poker
    Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5,
    and Racing 3.6

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
    attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
    thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
    uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

    Thanks,
    A Troubled User.
    ______________________________________

    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.


    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
    thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
    program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
    designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

    It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
    to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
    purge the program files from the system once
    installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
    is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0
    manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support. I
    recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving
    the situation. I suggest installing the background
    application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
    augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command
    C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give
    the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
    normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
    high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
    programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and
    Do Bills 4.2.

    However, be very careful how you use these programs.
    Improper use will cause the system to launch the
    program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way
    to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
    additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
    Diamonds 5.0 !

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
    Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
    not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
    damage to the operating system.

    Best of luck,
    Tech Support

  8. #248
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    2005 Darwin Award Winners:
    >
    >1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
    >during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
    >did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
    >and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
    >
    >And now, the honorable mentions:
    >
    >2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
    >machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
    >insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
    >its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
    >finger The chef's claim was approved.
    >
    >3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
    >during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
    >had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
    >
    >4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
    >found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
    >from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
    >incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
    >waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
    >mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
    >and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
    >days.
    >
    >5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
    >wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
    >injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
    >he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
    >
    >6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    >counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
    >the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
    >the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
    >fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
    >got from the drawer..$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
    >money, is a crime committed?)
    >
    >7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
    >carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
    >MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A Edit-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
    >Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and
    >doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
    >about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
    >got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
    >event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
    >words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a Edit-up!"
    >
    >8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
    >he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
    >booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
    >at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
    >on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
    >of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
    >
    >9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
    >grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
    >woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
    >Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
    >car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
    >and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
    >officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
    >
    >10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
    >Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
    >demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
    >open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
    >rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
    >frustrated, walked away.
    >
    >A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
    >
    >11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
    >a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
    >at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
    >spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
    >to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
    >sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
    >charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

  9. #249
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A true irishman................





    Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford
    Excursion into an Irish gas station.


    An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware of whom the
    golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing
    his cap.

    As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his
    pocket.


    "So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.


    "They're called tees." replied Tiger.

    "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

    "Well, they're for resting my ***** on when I drive," said Tiger.

    "AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those
    fellas at FORD think of everything."

  10. #250
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Tampa, fl
    Posts
    6

    Cool Purina diet

    A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

    The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

    He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

    Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his ***** and a car hit him.

    The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.
    Miller Econo Twin HF AC/DC / Gas Tungsten Arc.

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