Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[beamwalker]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two Prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up
with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came
close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a ****tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn
****tail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came
the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He
set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........


(scroll down)















I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[beamwalker]

Hello....is anyone there?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So
I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered
six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,
she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for
the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the
bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't
think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I
paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into
her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said
she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using
the ATM "thing"

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they,( pointing to a
distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,
too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The
front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in
the central office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've
got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl
and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room.

[beamwalker]

Whacky wisdom
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I smile because I don't know what the heck's going on.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10..I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

11..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

[beamwalker]

A construction error in the recently remodeled security entrance, which has a built-in scale designed to only let one person at a time pass through the door, has caused some embarrassing moments for officers who may not have spent enough time exercising.

Those weighing more than 230 pounds who try to pass through the entrance are greeted by a recorded voice telling them: "Stop! One at a time!" and are not let through, police spokeswoman Linda Widmark said.

She said the scale is supposed to be adjustable to let people weighing up to 350 pounds pass through, but an apparent construction error is playing tricks on those with ample girth.

"We'll have to get that fixed," Widmark said. "We've got some big strong men around here."

The security entrance is mainly for visitors and police denied entrance can use other doors.

"There are other options for them," she said.
__________________

[beamwalker]

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy:
Effective from January 2005

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do
not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,
and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right,
you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be
taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their
average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

[beamwalker]

Guess there is some levity in every profession.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human
body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his
mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention."

[beamwalker]

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "****** off."
__________________

[beamwalker]

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said,

"My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece.

Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field
checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and
you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for
the final price of the cow..........

BASIC COW...............................$500.00
Two tone exterior........................$45.00
Extra stomach............................$75.00
Product storing equipment................$60.00
Straw compartment.......................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea........................$40.00
Leather upholstery......................$125.00
Dual horns...............................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
fertilizer attachment...................$185.00

GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

[beamwalker]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

10. Osteo****osis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


18. Flabbergastric (n.):
An obese person who is full of gas.