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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #211
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    A group of High school football coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To
    save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach

    Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them
    stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

    The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with
    his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?"
    He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing ,
    hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened
    to you? You look awful!"
    He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player
    looking type of man's man. Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright
    eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
    They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened? He said, "Well, we
    got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good
    night. He watched me all night long."

  2. #212
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    GAMES FOR WHEN YOU GET OLDER

    1. Sag, you're It.
    2. Hide and go pee.
    3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
    4. Kick the bucket
    5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
    6. Musical recliners.
    7. Simon says something incoherent.
    8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

  3. #213
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

    The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

    The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

    The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

    The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts."

    "What does your wife look like?"

    To which the first old guy says,

    "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

  4. #214
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    A georgia game warden working near the georgia/alabama state line finds a raccoon in a trap, after close inspection he finds that the raccoon is from alabama. So he calls up his buddy who is a game warden for alabama and asked him to come and get this alabama coon. His friend asks, how do you it's a alabama coon and not a georgia coon? His reply, Well, He's done chewed three of his legs off and he's still in the trap.

  5. #215
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

    "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

    The wolf jumps up and runs away.

    Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

    "My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf."

    Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

    About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

    "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

    With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop"!

  6. #216
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
    "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
    "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
    The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

  7. #217
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    Dear Husband:


    West Virginia together! Have a great life! </SPAN></FONT></I></P>Your EX-Wife



    Dear Ex-Wife

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving yourletter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the KIND life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    Signed, Rich and Free!

  8. #218
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

    According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently
    faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
    use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after
    they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
    dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove
    them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all
    the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
    explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
    custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
    maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out
    a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
    with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

    THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
    There are teachers, and then there are Educators!

  9. #219
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" Embarrassed; the ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!

  10. #220
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

    Default

    A love story
    Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.

    However, a beautiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

    Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

    One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

    He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.



    And this is what he sang:






    wait for it














    its coming




    "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

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