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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #171
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    I'll trust you that you paid

    A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9. But I paid, don't you remember? says the customer. Okay, says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it. Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-***** when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose. Don't bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

    Driving home very drunk

    It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. Are you Mr. Johnson? the asked? He admitted that he was. Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he. And what did you do then, the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

    I get so drunk that I imagine things

    The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in there, pal? A mongoose. What for? Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection. But, the friend said, you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes. That's okay, said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.

  2. #172
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE......I'M BROKE

    A little old lady answered a knock at the door one day met by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning if you've got a minute I'd like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum technology" The lady said "Go away! I don't have any money!" and she proceded to close the door but quick as a flash the man lodged his foot in the door. "Don't be to hasty not until you've seen my demonstration" he dumps a bucket of horse manure onto her carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of this manure from your carpet I will eat the remainer" The old lady stepped back and said "I hope your hungry because they cut off the electricity this morning"

  3. #173
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    college redneck

    A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

    Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

    "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

    "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

    "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

    "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

    His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

    "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recline r, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

    The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' S.O.B.!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

  4. #174
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when
    a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

    The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed
    to the twosome. After two holes they were even.

    The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched. How about
    playing for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
    agreed to the terms. The second guy then won the remaining
    sixteen holes with ease.

    As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting
    his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
    neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to
    return the money.

    The Priest said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish
    to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest answered, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
    and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and
    father along, I'll marry them."

  5. #175
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
    Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

    When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
    I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

    I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    __________________

  6. #176
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    An Irishman Paddy Devine went to see his doctor the doctor sighed and said" I've got bad news you've got cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order"
    Paddy shocked walked into the waiting room where his son sat "Son we Irish celebrate when things are good and when things are bad. In this case things are bad I have cancer. Lets go to the pub and have a few pints."
    After 3 or 4 pints things were less somber and there was some laughs. Some of Paddy friends came over to see what they were celebrating.
    Paddy told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS" The friends gave Paddy their condolences.
    After the friends left Paddy's son leans over and whispered "dad I thought the doctor said you were dying of cancer you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS?"
    Paddy Devine leans over and says "I don't want any of them marrying your mother after I'm gone"

  7. #177
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
    "Well I can think of one thing" the man offered
    "Once on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota I came up on a gang of high testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I insisted they leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
    "So, I approached the largest and most tattoed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over and yanked out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled,"now back off! Or you'll have to answer to me!"
    St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"
    "Just a couple of minutes ago"

  8. #178
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a
    really tall tree.

    The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear
    climbed down and went away.

    So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this
    time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree,
    the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher
    still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

    Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two
    bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

    Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

  9. #179
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
    1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
    2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
    3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
    4. Rottweiler: Make me.
    5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
    6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
    7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
    8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
    9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
    10. ****er Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
    11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
    12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
    13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
    14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



    How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
    Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
    "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
    ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

  10. #180
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    asheville n.c.
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    While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir, NC., were in the local
    Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

    They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

    The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

    Billy Bob won First Place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
    extra long spaghetti.

    Bubba won Sixth Prize; a toilet brush.

    About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

    Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love
    spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you. How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good", replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to toilet paper.

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