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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #141
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling in
    bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
    an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
    his bed.

    "What the heck are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
    you?" he asked.

    "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,
    and you are in heaven."

    "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
    young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

    "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as
    a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

    Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being
    a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and
    relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

    "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

    And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,
    really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
    was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he
    said. "How do you like being a hen?"

    "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is about to
    explode."

    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going
    on. You need to lay an egg."

    "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

    "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

    Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and
    then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
    "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again
    and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
    another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
    heard his wife shout:

    "Tom, FOR GODS SAKE! Wake up! You're poopin all over
    the bed!"

  2. #142
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.


    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

    Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is. [Presents valid driver's license]

    Captain: Whose car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. [Presents valid registration in his name]

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. [Shows officer that glove box does not contain gun]

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem. [Opens trunk...no body]

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

  3. #143
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Texas surgeons
    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
    surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist
    lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later
    he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

    One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
    and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
    gold medal in field events at the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several yeas ago, a
    cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into
    a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was
    the horse's buttocks and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United
    States."

  4. #144
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Obedient Wife

    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
    money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died,
    he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
    it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
    me."

    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
    he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
    there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
    the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
    the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

    She had a box with her, she came over with the ! box and put it in the
    casket.

    Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
    So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
    money in there with your husband."

    The loyal wife replied," Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

    You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
    account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

  5. #145
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Littlestown Pa.
    Posts
    30

    Default

    i thought this was supposed to b a u might b a welder if jokes

  6. #146
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
    This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
    of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is
    full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

    The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you
    make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
    "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

    The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's
    four weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
    the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
    here?"

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza
    delivery guy from Domino's."

  7. #147
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    WORK vs PRISON

    IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
    AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8
    cubicle.

    IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
    it.

    IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
    the doors for yourself.

    IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee
    on the seat.

    IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

    IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
    required.
    AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
    they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
    get out.
    AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
    go inside bars.

    IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...........they are called managers.

  8. #148
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Arresting Quotations


    The following were taken off of "actual" police car videos around the country.

    "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worth less document."

    "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

    "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

    "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

    "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

    "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

    "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

    "Just how big were those two beers?"

    "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

    "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

    "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

  9. #149
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Monday, May 2

    Dear Friends:

    It is important for men to remember that as women grow Older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of Housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

    Signed, Bob

    Bob's funeral was on Saturday, May 7th.

    Nancy was acquitted Monday, May 9th.

  10. #150
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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