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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #261
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    asheville n.c.
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    a jew, a muslim, and a televangelist are all traveling together. late one night when they finally decide to stop for the night, the only building around is an old farm house. the three knock on the door and the farmer comes to the door. they tell him they need a place to stay for the night. he agrees to let them stay but one of the has to sleep in the barn. well the jew steps up and says he'll sleep out side. they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the jew comes back "i cant sleep out there w/ the pigs. it wouldn't be kosher" so then the muslim agrees to sleep outside. once again they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the muslim comes back. "i can not sleep out there! the cow is sacred in my religion, i am not worthy" the televangelist finally agrees to sleep in the barn. they all go to bed, once again. ten minutes later the farmer hears another knock on the door. when he opens it, there standing are the cow and pig.
    _______________

  2. #262
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    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round

    of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our *****

    into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting

    around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

    I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a

    golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle

    of the cows butt.

    " That's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this

    looks like yours!'

    I don't remember much after that."
    __________________

  3. #263
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    Feb 2007
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
    their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
    Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
    "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky,....what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
    speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
    billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
    Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three
    in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
    and we are but small and insignificant creatures. Meteorologically, it
    seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    What's it tell you, Tonto?"
    Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
    buffalo. Someone has stolen tent!"
    __________________

  4. #264
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    asheville n.c.
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    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
    be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
    the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
    spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
    plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

    In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make
    the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K." This should klear up
    konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
    troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F." This will make words like
    fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
    reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
    ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "E" in the languag is
    disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with
    "Z" and "W" with "V."

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
    and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
    understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
    forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

  5. #265
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    prison vs. work
    IN PRISON. . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK . . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
    IN PRISON. . . . you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK. . . . . you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
    IN PRISON. . . . you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK. . . . . you get more work for good behavior.
    IN PRISON. . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK. . . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the
    doors for yourself.
    IN PRISON. . . . you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK. . . . . you can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
    IN PRISON. . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK.. . . . you can't even speak to your family.
    IN PRISON. . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
    required.
    AT WORK. . . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
    deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
    IN PRISON. . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK. . . . .you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
    inside bars.

  6. #266
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    One day, a bus full of horrendously ugly people was accidentally driven of a cliff. Everyone died.

    In heaven, God yelled to them "I realize you have
    been shunned by society when you were alive, so I will grant each of you
    one wish!". The ugly people formed a big plan at the Pearly Gates, each of
    them making a wish: to be pretty and handsome and suave.

    One guy at the back started laughing. It started as a chuckle but began
    increasing as the line progressed. When it was his turn, he was about to
    fall on the floor.





    When he finally got a breath out, he laughed " make 'em
    all ugly again!"

  7. #267
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Default

    These are the actual INDIAN STYLE ABSENCES from parents-- including
    spelling.

    1. My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today.
    please execute him.
    2. Please excuse LIsa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
    3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28. 29,30,
    31, 32, and also 33.
    4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
    5. Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out
    of a tree and misplaced his hip.
    6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
    7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
    hurt in the growing part.
    8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheresby
    very close veins.
    9. Chris will not be in schoolo because he has an acre in his side.
    10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
    11. Please excuse Tommy Yazzie for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
    and his boots leak.
    12. Irving Tso was absenent yesterday because he missed his bust.
    13. Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
    14. I kept Billie home becuase she had to go Christmas shopping becuase I
    don't know her size she wear.
    15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
    the Sunday paper of the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it
    was Sunday.
    16. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
    funeral.
    17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
    weekend with the Marines.
    18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
    gramps.
    19. Please excuse linda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
    20. MY Favorite excuse slip....... Maryann was absent December 11-16,
    becuase she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her
    sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had low grade
    fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, eighter, sore throat and
    fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last
    night.

  8. #268
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    A Blonde woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

    She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

    The Blonde again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and still no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

    "Meet Me halfway on this Blondie, Please! "




    V
    V
    V



    " Buy a Ticket."
    _________________

  9. #269
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    a blonde is going to get her hair cut. she sits in the chair and the barber asks the blonde to take her head-phones off. "NO!" shouts the blonde. "if i take them off i will die!" so the barber just cuts around them. next time she comes to get her hair cut. its a different barber. this barber doesnt asks, he just yanks em right off her head. suddenly the blonde runs around for about 30 seconds and drops dead on the floor. the first barber then walks in. "what have u done! u werent supposed to take them off?" he then takes the head phones and puts them on. he hears.....


















    "breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out
    __________________

  10. #270
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    A letter to Southerners
    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
    Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

    However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as:

    1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

    5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

    And Finally,

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree!!!!!

    Sincerely Yours,

    Santa Claus

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