Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on
a flight across the country. After the plane was
airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked
for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The flight attendant then asked the
minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by brazen *****s than let liquor touch these lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight
attendant and said, "Heck, me too. I didn't know we
got a choice."

[beamwalker]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's groin.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl pauses, then replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[beamwalker]

Two men were driving through Tennessee when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.
The Trooper walked up to the car and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled his window down and Whack the Trooper hit him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the heck was that for?"
"Your in Tenn. son your suppose to have your license out when we get to the window"
"I'm sorry officer I'm not from around here"
The Trooper runs a check on his license, he's clean and gives his license back and walks around to the passengers side and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The passenger rolls his window down and Whack the Trooper hits him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the heck was that for?"
"Just making your wish come true" the Trooper replies
"Making what wish come true?"
Because I know your type, 2 miles down the road your going to turn to your buddy and say "I wish that jerk would have tried that stuff with me"

[beamwalker]

Actual Classified Ads in the Newspaper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 ****er Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES
Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD
85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 *** bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300
Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married last month. Wife knows everything.

[beamwalker]

TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFFS....

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes >From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ---- -faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. She is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I pass some gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really T’s me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
__________________________________________________ ______
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soled myself when I passed some gas and I worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bottom with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __
CHILI # 8 BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN BUTT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

[beamwalker]

BAD DAY AT WORK

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make
you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me
to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put
the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[beamwalker]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Pop

! A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[beamwalker]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions
when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed
by pissing and moaning

[beamwalker]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[beamwalker]

Stupid Statements made by famous people.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina