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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #151
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
    suitcases.
    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room
    table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
    of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had
    finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp
    shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
    with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
    house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the
    place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
    Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ...
    Repairmen refused to work in the house ... The maid quit.
    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
    A month later, even though they had cut their pr ice in half, they could not
    find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
    local realtors refused to return their calls.
    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
    purchase a new place.
    The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
    her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
    missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
    settlement in exchange for getting the house back ...
    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
    price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she
    were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers
    delivered the paperwork.
    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
    watched the moving the moving company pack everything to take to their new home

    ... including the curtain rods.

  2. #152
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    asheville n.c.
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    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck
    had broken down.

    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you
    going to San Diego? "

    "Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift? "

    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
    fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
    chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
    San Diego Zoo.

    They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

    Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you
    $100 for your trouble. "

    "I'd be happy to, " said the blonde.

    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back
    seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into
    their seat belts. Off they went.

    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
    through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was
    horrified!!

    There was the blonde walking down the street and
    holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
    amusement of a big crowd.

    With a screech of brakes he
    pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

    "What the heck are you doing here? " he demanded, "I
    gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo! "

    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,

    "But we had
    money left over, so now we're going to Sea World!"
    __________________

  3. #153
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    Feb 2007
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    Airbag Contest a Success!
    DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

    The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

    "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

    Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

    "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

    "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

    GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

  4. #154
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    Feb 2007
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    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

  5. #155
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Auto Acronyms...

    Auto Acronyms What car names really stand for:

    AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

    BMW: Big Money Works

    CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dirty Old Dude Goes Everywhere

    FIAT: Fix It All the Time

    FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill, Found On Road Dead Backwards Driver Returns on Foot, Fix Or Repair Daily

    GMC: Garage Man's Companion, Great Mexican Cadillac

    HONDA: Had One, Never Did Again

    HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing is Drivable and Inexpensive

    JEEP: Just Expect Essential Parts

    MG: Might be Good

    PONTIAC: Poor Old Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac

    SAAB: Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

    TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO: Very Odd-Looking Vehicular Object

  6. #156
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    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    I got a good one here...

    This could be most anyplace.

    A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

    The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

    "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

    "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

    "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."

    "You gotta be kidding me!"

    "It's no joke, sir."

    "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

    "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

    "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

    "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
    registration immediately!"

    "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

    The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

    Teaching by example is not a lost art...

  7. #157
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

  8. #158
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Here's some news:
    Seems that George Bush and Colin Powell had had enough of the talliban and bin ladin so they go to Afganistan for a meeting. They tell the talliban that if they don't get bin ladin they are going to bomb the place back to the time before Adam and Eve.
    bin ladin says "now guys, we can settle this once and for all without all this blood shed. Here is what we'll do. We'll settle this with a dog fight to the death. If our dog wins y'all go back to the U S of A and we'll go about our business. If your dog wins we'll stop terrorism and make the deserts green with crops."
    George looks over at Colin and winks. " Whata ya think, Colin ??" Colin says" I'm with you master".

    So the deal is struck. In 3 years they will return for the final dog fight.

    3 years later on the plains of Afganistan.
    bin ladin rolls out the meanest deadliest looking wolflike dog ever to walk the planet. It's 4 feet tall at the shoulders and weighs 300 pounds. It takes 4 camels to hold it back.
    George Bush says "not bad bin ladin. Hey Colin, have the boys bring out Rover" So CP goes back to the chopper and has 4 Marine Special Forces and 4 Navy Seals drag Rover out. They set him on the ground a couple feet away from the wolf. bin ladin is beside himself laughing at the giant Dachund that Colin Powell is holding by a silver chain. This dog is 20 feet long with his belly dragging on the ground.

    George Bush says " ok on 3 we let them go" one, two, three. sic 'im Rover". There is a very great snapping and crunching sound. When it is all quiet and the dust settles, the wolf is gone except for a few hairs laying on the ground. The giant Dachund is still standing but with a bit more of his belly resting on the ground.

    bin ladin says " how could that long fat dog eat my wolf.??" George Bush says " well we had to work hard to get the stem cell research going but we finally succeeded in breeding a Dachund with a Florida Alligator". Come with us bin laddin ms. Rice wants to meet you. haha

  9. #159
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
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    THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    [no, really]?

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [now that's taking things a bit far]!

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    [what a guy]!

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    [see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

    War Dims Hope for Peace
    [I can see where it might have that effect!]

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    [you think]?

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    [who would have thunk it]!

    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    [they may be on to something]!

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    [he probably IS the battery charge]!

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    [weren't they fat enough]?

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    [Taste like chicken?]

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    [Boy, are they tall!]

    And the winner is....

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  10. #160
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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