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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #131
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    A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
    __________________

  2. #132
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    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

    Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any *****... You must be a lawyer."
    __________________

  3. #133
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    Blonde Update:

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other,
    "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
    "Helloooooooooo!!! can you see Florida.......?????"
    Car Trouble
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a
    few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, "What's the story?"
    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

    Speeding Ticket
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
    my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

    River Walk
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
    "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

    Knitting
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
    Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
    turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    Blonde on the Sun
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
    "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

    In a Vacuum
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
    Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

    FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
    The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
    Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
    "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

  4. #134
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    Redneck Vasectomy:

    After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was
    enough because they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
    cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, is to go home, get a
    cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your
    ear and count to 10.

    The Redneck said to the doctor, I may not be the sharpest tool in the
    shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
    ear is going to help me.

    Trust me, said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
    held the can up to his ear and began to count:
    1 -
    2 -
    3 -
    4 -
    5.....

    ..at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
    and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure works in Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky,
    Arkansas, Mississippi, South Carolina, West Virginia, and some parts of
    Texas.

  5. #135
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    Gramma's birth control pills............

    The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
    of her life, finally retired.
    At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of
    all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
    As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
    wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
    "Yes, they help me sleep at night."
    "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
    that could possibly help you sleep!"
    She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
    know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
    orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...
    And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

  6. #136
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    A MAN AND HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

    A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
    While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
    The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?
    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
    ______________

  7. #137
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    Dear Tide:

    I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
    One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
    I thank you, again, for having such a great product.
    Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

  8. #138
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    Dear Sir:

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

    You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

    I hope this answers your inquiry."

  9. #139
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    By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

    YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

    1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
    2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
    3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
    4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato augratin to grits.
    5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
    6. You've never had an RC cola or a Dr. Pepper.
    7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
    8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
    9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
    10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
    11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
    12. You don't have bangs.
    13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
    14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
    15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
    16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
    17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
    18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
    19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
    20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
    21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
    22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
    23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
    24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
    25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
    26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
    27. You don't know what applique is.
    28. You don't know anyone with at least two-first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
    29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
    30. You've never been to a craft show.
    31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
    32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
    33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
    __________________

  10. #140
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    A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs in action. As it gallops along at a steady and rythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's puonding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. AS her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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