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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #121
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Sacramento CA
    Posts
    80

    Smile The beamwalker thread

    The beamwalker thread

  2. #122
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    everyone is invited to contribute and share a little fun. but i feel like the class clown

  3. #123
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Things not to say on a first date

    I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

    I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

    I used to come here all the time with my ex.

    I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

    Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

    I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

    And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

    I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

    It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am
    __________________

  4. #124
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Subject: LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT

    Dear Ma and Pa,
    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but Iím only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter, Gail

  5. #125
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Out of the mouth of small children

    Jesus' Dad's Name

    A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
    One child answered, "Mary."
    The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
    A little kid said, "Verge."

    Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

    The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

  6. #126
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Subject: Engineering Test


    The Southern Association of Professional Engineers is sick and tired
    of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. We challenge any
    so-called smart Yankees to take this exam administered by the SAPE.

    1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
    support a 10-pound possum.

    2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
    blocks in our front yard: a '65 Ford Fairlane, '69 Chevy. Chevelle, or a '64
    Pontiac GTO?

    3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at capacity of 20
    gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
    the product?

    4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2,700 RPM. The density
    of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
    2.3 acres. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be
    consumed before the trees are cut down?

    5. If every old refrigerator in the South vented a charge of R-12
    simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone
    layer?

    6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a
    field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
    porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound
    dogs will be killed?

    7. A man owns a house and 3. 7 acres of land in a hollow with an
    average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children
    place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their
    electric appliances to sit out front?

    8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
    slope on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
    conditions on secondary roads what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle
    with a muffler?

    9. A coal mine operated a NFPA Class I, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The
    mine employs 200 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning
    of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
    the 3rd shift?

    10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
    generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to
    breed a country-western singer?

  7. #127
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
    the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working
    east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
    photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
    vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls:
    $10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the
    sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
    to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
    thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
    churches in Seattle, Tulsa, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee and around
    the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same
    answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a
    church in Brady, Texas, he saw the usual golden telephone. But,
    behold, THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to
    talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country
    and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been
    told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the
    other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35
    cents a call. Why?"

    The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now......
    It's a local call."

  8. #128
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
    Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow . The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

    NASA responded with a one-line memo

    "Defrost the chicken."

  9. #129
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    MAN OF THE HOUSE!!!!Subject: Man of the House
    >
    > A man had just finished reading his book "Man Of The House"
    >while making his commute home from work.

    > When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
    >directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From
    >now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
    >law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
    >eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
    >dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
    >finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
    >
    >
    > His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The Funeral
    >Director is my guess."

  10. #130
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    o get it back on topic

    A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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