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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #111
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    Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
    her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and
    sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
    about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.

    The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" Denise," the doctor answers.

    The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

    Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies,
    "Denephew."

  2. #112
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    Supposedly a true story relayed to a guy who was a friend of the Army Ranger who did this:

    I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

    After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

    I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what Imade:

    I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took outthree of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and oliveoil.

    In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and ricetogether to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

    When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda likevelveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

    For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up andstirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.Voila--Ranger Pudding.

    For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each -Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

    I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China, and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

    She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

    We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

    At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

    Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

    Let the games begin.

    She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

    After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.

    This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

    Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

    I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

    She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!! I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

    Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

    After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago? After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

    She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poop for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

    It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever pooped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

    I know, I'm a jerk, but it was still a funny night.

  3. #113
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    A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

    The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

    She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

    Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
    __________________

  4. #114
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    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
    noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

    The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
    The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
    The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
    many."

    The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
    The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
    said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
    collar."

  5. #115
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    Have you heard about the three men that went deer hunting. A doctor, a lawyer, and a preacher were all in one stand when a great big buck walked up in their view. All three shot at the same time and the deer fell dead. A discussion began as to which one of the three killed the deer. The lawyer finally said, "since I'm accustomed to examining evidence, I'll go all see if I can determine whose shot killed him." He climbs down out of the stand, makes his way to the deer, and in a few minutes calls back, "the preacher killed him." "How can you tell," yelled back the doctor. "Because the shot that killed him went in one ear and out the other."
    __________________

  6. #116
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    To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
    her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
    Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my
    fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than
    that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a
    very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's
    belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this
    stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me,
    but do you know me?" "No, but I know what you've been doing."
    ______________

  7. #117
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    Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car
    broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer
    if there was a place he could stay over night.
    "Sure," said the farmer, "my wife died several years ago, and my two
    daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my
    self, so I have lots of room to put you up."
    Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards
    the highway, and the farmer called after him...."Didn't you hear what I
    said? I have lots of room."
    "I heard you," said the salesman,"but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
    __________

  8. #118
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    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
    funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
    behind the casket during the service. Following the
    eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
    inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
    the beautiful heart forever. At that point,
    one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
    eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just
    thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
    That's when the proctologist fainted.

  9. #119
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    Parrot Fish (Groaner)

    Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

    Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

    Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

    Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

    Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

    Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

  10. #120
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    On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"
    "I'd yell 'Man overboard,' " answered the lookout snappily.
    "Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"
    The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

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