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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #101
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    618

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    A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
    refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to
    see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room
    with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
    "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
    "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
    Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
    The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly
    having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom?
    How do you spell 'zilla'?"

  2. #102
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
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    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
    you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or, after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you.
    __________________

  3. #103
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
    unusual offer.

    "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
    get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
    and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
    it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
    bill and walked away satisfied.

    It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
    that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
    time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye
    and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
    every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
    life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
    not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
    Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

    The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
    me a much better offer."

  4. #104
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing
    aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can
    hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a
    conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"
    "You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"
    The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes
    after two."

  5. #105
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    618

    Default

    A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
    a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
    fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
    climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
    the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
    gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
    A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
    decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
    too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
    the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
    there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
    out.
    The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
    shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
    He did.

  6. #106
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
    location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
    was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
    exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
    call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
    now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
    been to Frankfurt before?"

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
    didn't land."

  7. #107
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to
    try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

    So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

    Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's rear?"

    The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's rear."

    The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the cowboy says,"Hard to fool them flies though."

  8. #108
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
    found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he
    asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
    Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
    to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
    drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
    (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
    Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
    carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
    "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
    disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
    __________________

  9. #109
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

    HUSBAND: "I guess so."

    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: - - - silence - - -

    HUSBAND: - - - gulp - - -

  10. #110
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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