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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #81
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    asheville n.c.
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    Nun in Hooters

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
    "Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
    _________________

  2. #82
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    Bubba applies to Wal-Mart

    An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
    Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
    "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
    "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
    "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
    He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
    "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING
    ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
    Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
    Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
    "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
    "Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already went in my pants.
    Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Lake Ellsinore Wal-Mart

  3. #83
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    Feb 2007
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    Robert wakes up with a huge hangover after attending
    > his company's
    > Christmas Party. Robert is not normally a drinker,
    > but the drinks didn't
    > taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember
    > how he got home from
    > the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if
    > he did something
    > wrong.
    > Robert had to force himself to open his eyes, and
    > the first thing he
    > sees
    > is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on
    > the side table. And,
    > next to them, a single red rose!
    >
    > Robert sits up and sees his clothing in front of
    > him, all clean and
    > pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it
    > is in perfect order,
    > spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
    > takes the aspirins,
    > cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
    > at him in the
    > bathroom
    > mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner
    > of the mirror
    > written
    > in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
    > his wife in
    > lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
    > early to go get
    > groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
    > I love you, darling!
    > Love, Nancy
    >
    >
    > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
    > hot breakfast,
    > steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His
    > son is also at the
    > table, eating. Robert asks, "Son... what happened
    > last night?"
    >
    >
    > "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
    > your mind. You
    > fell
    > over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
    > puked in the hallway,
    > and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
    > Confused he asked
    > his
    > son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
    > so clean, I have a
    > rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
    >
    >
    >
    > His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
    > bedroom, and
    > when
    > she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
    > "Leave me alone, lady,
    > I'm married!"
    >
    >
    > Broken Coffee Table $39.99
    >
    >
    > Hot Breakfast $ 4.20
    >
    >
    > Two Aspirins $ .38
    >
    >
    > Saying the right thing, at the right time . .
    > .Priceless!!!

  4. #84
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    dear Consumers:

    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 OKLAHOMA
    EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of OKLAHOMA.

    If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
    the commands. The OKLAHOMA EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening
    screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson
    superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

    Please also note:

    The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
    My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
    Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
    Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
    Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
    Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
    Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up


    CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN OKLAHOMA EDITION:
    Cancel............stopdat
    Reset.............try'er agin
    Yes...............yep
    No................nope
    Find..............hunt fer it
    Go to.............over yonder
    Back..............back yonder
    Help..............hep me out here
    Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
    Start.............crank'er up
    Settings..........settins
    Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
    Documents....... .stuff ah done did

    Also note that the OKLAHOMA EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
    punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

    Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
    Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
    Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator>Outhouse Paper................notepad
    Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
    Pitchers......................a graphics viewer


    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of
    the OKLAHOMA EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
    version.




    I hope this helps all y'all!

    Billy Bob Gates

  5. #85
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."

    Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the **** are you doing for the next generation??"

    I love senior citizens

  6. #86
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Aggressive

    News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

    The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

    Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

    Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

    Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job until the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

    The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the butt " said the Marine. "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt " insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

    As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?" Why didn't you just shoot them?

    "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!"

  7. #87
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    His time was up

    An elderly RVing couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary with a party at their fifth wheel trailer. Arriving guests noticed that the old man was crying, and found his overwhelming emotion touching.

    The wife, too, noticed. "Why are you crying?" she asked.

    '"Do you remember the night we were kissing on your parents' front porch?" he asked.

    "Yes, dear," she replied. "I'll never forget it." Dad came outside and told me to get inside immediately."

    "Well, after you went inside, your dad told me that I had three choices about you. He reminded me that he was the judge in town and that he could kill me and get away with it . Or, he said, he could send me to jail for 50 years. He said my third choice was to marry you."

    "I see," said his wife. "But why are you crying now?"

    The man began to sob. And then, gaining his composure, he said, "I'd be getting out today."

  8. #88
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Medicare Recommendation

    Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test
    results.

    The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big
    mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain
    which one is your husband's.

    Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
    "Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS.
    We can't tell which is your husband."
    "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
    "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
    once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
    middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

  9. #89
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    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    *** NIGHTMARES


    NIGHTMARE #1

    After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,

    pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

    Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There

    might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened

    the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting

    neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the

    guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend

    then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his

    ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,

    the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

  10. #90
    Join Date
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    asheville n.c.
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    A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
    >cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The
    >lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
    >eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to
    >kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail
    >and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled
    >out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed
    >it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
    >"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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