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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #71
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
    > terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
    > about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
    > replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very
    > surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man
    > then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
    > poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then
    > offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see
    > what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week
    > later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to
    > your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three
    > hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and
    > the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

  2. #72
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    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' ..............Well, I guess I just panicked.

  3. #73
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    THE WIFE FROM ****
    >>
    >> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
    >> you
    >> at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
    >> cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
    >>
    >> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
    >> you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
    >>
    >> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
    >> and
    >> growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife
    >> smiles
    >> demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off
    >> when
    >> it did."
    >>
    >> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
    >> unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
    >> it,
    >> woman,can't you keep your mouth shut?"
    >>
    >> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
    >> seat
    >> belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
    >>
    >> The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
    >> off
    >> when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
    >> pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
    >> have
    >> your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
    >>
    >> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
    >> turns
    >> to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer
    >> looks
    >> over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
    >> to you this way, Ma'am?"
    >>
    >> I love this part....
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> "Only when he's been drinking"
    >>

  4. #74
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    On Saturday morning, I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog, and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck. Down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible. To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather?"

  5. #75
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    The Outhouse

    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

    Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

    Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

  6. #76
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    asheville n.c.
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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

    "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

  7. #77
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    Mar 2007
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    Beamwalker, where the heck are you getting your jokes from...AWSOME
    BERT
    I'm not late...
    I'm just on Hawaiian Time

  8. #78
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    learn alot working several feet off ground

  9. #79
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    In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.


    In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270km/h was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill - pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed - in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.


    Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive colour pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.


    In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

    Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.


    In 1977, British newspaper The Guardian published a seven-page supplement for the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.


    In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon's voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.


    In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans For Science And Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.
    Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the Left-Handed Whopper, specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.


    Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed - a technique they used to hunt penguins.


    Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.

  10. #80
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    George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by
    train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a
    ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are
    the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W,
    astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hilary.

    They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective
    seats
    but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door.
    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
    collecting tickets.

    He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door
    opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bushes see this happen and
    agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to
    try a similar plan on the return trip.

    When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window
    buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
    Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you
    taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.

    "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

    When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and
    the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly
    after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and
    walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says,
    "Ticket, please."

    And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that
    election.

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