Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[beamwalker]

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating.

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
BOOBS are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

[beamwalker]

Man Dictionary

I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[beamwalker]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you
make today?" The Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the **** did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new 'fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
__________________

[beamwalker]

Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Oklahoma? Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
__________________

[beamwalker]

Santa's Bad Day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
Shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree..............

[beamwalker]

You know you're living in 2004 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

[beamwalker]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's >>>
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 >
>reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell
all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds
like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally
breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the
sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "The woman is totally confused by
this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you
get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[beamwalker]

A man walks into a supermarket and asks a kid in the produce department "How much will it cost me to purchase half a head of lettuce".

The kid with a strange look on his face says "I'll have to ask my boss, I'll be right back"

The kid walks over to his bosses office and says" Some idiot out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce"

Without realizing that the man had followed him to the office and was standing behind him, the kid quickly says "And this fine gentleman would like to puchase the other half"

After the man purchased the half head of lettuce, the boss asked to see the kid in his office.

"I was very impressed on how you handled that, you were very quick on your feet" says the boss. " Where are you from kid?"

" I just moved here from Canada " say the boy.

" What brings you down here to the States " replies the boss.

" I got sick of living there, The only thing they have in Canada are *****s and Hockey players " says the boy.

After a moment of silence the boss says " My Wife is from Canada "

Without hesitation the boy shockingly asks " Really, what team did she play for?
__________________

[beamwalker]

raveling salesman was driving down a small country road one day when suddenly he saw a pig with three legs and a wooden stump for the fourth leg standing by the gate to a farmhouse. He slid to a stop and backed up and turned into the driveway. He parked his car and walked up to the front porch and asked the old farmer sitting there why the pig had only three legs and a wooden stump. The farmer began bragging on this pig. He started telling the salesman how “wonderful and fantastic this pig is!! This pig is the best pig on the earth! Why, one night our house caught on fire and this pig managed to get out of his pen and run around the house squealing and making all kinds of racket. He ran up and beat on the front door and ran around to beat on the back door. Finally woke us all up and we got out of the house before it burned down. No one was hurt. All thanks to this wonderful pig!!! The salesman asked why the pig had only three legs. The farmer replied, “Well, ‘a pig this great you can’t eat all at once, can you?