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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

    "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

    "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

    "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.

    I'll need all your children's names."

    "This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."

    "OK, and who's next?"

    "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

    One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

    "All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"

    Their Momma replied, "Well, yes--it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

    The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

    " I call them by their last names."

  2. #32
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    It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

    "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

    No answer.

    "Seeback!"

    No answer was heard again.

    "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

    At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

  3. #33
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    asheville n.c.
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    Men Strike Back!!!!!!!

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be open when she brings it!

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of the "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't there's a clock on the oven.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door which o you let in first?
    The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

    What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and with a beer belly and think they are ***y!

    Remember it's all in fun

  4. #34
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Here's a story......

    Guy just gets married, after the honeymoon they get home and he goes up to his new wif and tells her how it's going to be. Honey, I want this house clean all the time, I want a hot, fresh dinner made setting on the table every day when I get home from work, you will take care of the baby when he wakes up in the middle of the night yadi, yadi.
    After that little discussion he did'nt see her again for 2 weeks..
    And then only a little bit through one eye!!


    You know your gettin old when your back goes out more than you do!
    You know your gettin old when you watch the weather channel instead of Seinfeld or "Friends"
    _________________

  5. #35
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
    hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
    sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
    it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a
    doctor."

    So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
    deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
    sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
    activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at
    Wal-Mart."

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
    began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
    from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
    hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

    He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
    results.

    The computer then prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
    better.

    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

  6. #36
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    asheville n.c.
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    Default

    A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by
    two female teachers, went on a field trip to the
    local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses
    and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

    When it was
    time to take the children to the bathroom it was
    decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
    the boys would go with the other.

    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
    the men's room when one of the boys came out and
    told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
    with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys
    up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to
    direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
    was unusually well endowed.
    Trying not to show that she was staring the
    teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
    "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding
    Silver Arrow in the seventh."

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Five surgeons
    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

    The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
    __________________

  8. #38
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    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Colonoscopies

    A physician claims these are actual comments made by his patients while getting a colonoscopies:
    1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
    2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
    3. Can you hear me NOW!
    4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
    5. You know, In Arkansas, we're now legally married.
    6. Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?
    7.You put your left hand in you take your left hand out.
    8. Hey! Now I know how a muppet feels.
    9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!
    10. Hey Doc. Let me know if you find my dignity.
    11. Could you write a note for my wife saying my heads not up there?
    __________________

  9. #39
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the
    cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but
    I don't want to offend you".

    She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
    When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
    as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
    hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
    nothing you could say or ask that I would find
    offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
    me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
    about that:
    #1, you have to be single and
    #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,
    I'm single and Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
    would make a hooker blush. But when they
    get back on the road, the cab driver starts
    crying.

    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you
    crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must
    confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin
    and I'm going to a Halloween party."

  10. #40
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    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Letter From The Dog

    Dear Master:

    The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:

    It's time to get rid of the cat.

    Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.

    Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

    And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?

    Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

    I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Subject: Cat

    Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
    Signed,
    Hamster
    Department of Rodent Wheels

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV show. I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.

    And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.

    And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

    So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.

    Sincerely,
    The Dog

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