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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Home Remedies

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
    boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
    instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
    using the sink.

    4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
    thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
    afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
    about the tooth ache.

    AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really
    are:
    You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
    should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

    Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning
    for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his
    back and gets up for work.

    Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days,
    you're gonna fart your guts out!"


    One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and
    gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs
    and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling
    to herself.


    Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his
    morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
    bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that
    Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.


    She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when
    Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You
    were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God
    and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A man goes into a lawyer's office and says,

    "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

    The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

    The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

    The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

    The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with."

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
    >
    >A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
    >husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One
    >morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
    >take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
    >the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
    >read her book.
    >
    >Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
    >says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
    >
    >"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
    >
    >"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
    >
    >"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
    >
    >"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
    >any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
    >
    >"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with ***ual assault," says the
    >woman.
    >
    >"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
    >
    >"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
    >start at any moment."
    >
    >"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...
    * Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
    * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
    * You prefer to grind coffee beans in your mouth.
    * You sleep with your eyes open.
    * You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    * You lick your coffeepot clean.
    * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    * You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
    * You can jump-start your car without cables.
    * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    * You don't sweat, you percolate.
    * You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
    * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    * You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    * Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
    * You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
    * Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
    * Instant coffee takes too long.
    * You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
    * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
    * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
    * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    Reply With Quote

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Oahu, Hawaii
    Posts
    2,469

    Default

    You guys got AWSOME jokes!!! Heard so many good ones, but forget most
    (alzheimers...) Last good one I heard:

    Man was in a coma from a car accident. Hooked up to oxygen, iv tubes and wires coming out all over his body, he woke up after a month. Realizing what happened and how he got there, he buzzed for the nurse. When the nurse rushed in, he said "Nurse, I really have to know!!! Are my ********s black?!!!"
    "Sorry sir, I was informed to give you only a partial bed bath: your arms, face,legs and toes, that's all." After constant pleading with the nurse, she finally gave in. Lifting up his blanket and gown, looking and feeling his ********s, she replied "sir, I'll have you to know your ********s are not black."
    The man sat up, removed the oxygen mask and replied "Nurse, thank you, that felt good and all that, but please listen to me carefully..."Are - my - test - results - back?"

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    True Bravery

    True bravery is when you get home staggering drunk after a long night with the guys.
    Then being assaulted by your wife with a broom and then having the guts to ask

    "Are you cleaning or going to fly somewhere?

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    ~ Jack Handy
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
    ~Frank Sinatra

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
    ~ Henny Youngman
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
    ~ Stephen Wright
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
    Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
    ~ Brian O'Rourke
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~ Benjamin Franklin
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
    ~ Dave Barry
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE *** SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
    ~ "Unknown"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




    Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




    Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




    Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




    Only in America.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




    Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




    Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




    EVER WONDER ...




    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?




    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)..in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    APARTMENT FOR RENT

    A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to
    spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before
    he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash
    with him, but he will have his secretary write a check
    and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

    On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
    realizing that the whole event was not worth the
    price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250
    and enclosed the following typed note:

    Dear Madam:
    > >
    Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250
    for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
    amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
    apartment, I was under the impression that;

    1) it had never been occupied

    2) that there was plenty of heat

    3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy
    and at home.


    However, I found out that it had been previously
    occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was
    entirely too large.
    > >
    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
    returned the check for $250 with the following note:
    > >
    Dear Sir,
    > >
    First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
    beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
    As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know
    how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
    is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
    enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
    landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced
    to contact your present landlady.

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