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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED

    Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

    "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
    "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the ****pit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
    "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    An Old Farmer In Kansas Had Owned A Large Farm For Several Years. He Had A Large Pond In The Back, -- Fixed Up Nice; Picnic Tables, Horseshoe Courts, And Some Apple And Peach Trees. The Pond Was Properly Shaped And Fixed Up For Swimming When It Was Built.
    One Evening The Old Farmer Decided To Go Down To The Pond, As He Hadn't Been There For A While, And Look It Over. He Grabbed A Five Gallon Bucket To Bring Back Some Fruit. As He Neared The Pond, He Heard Voices Shouting And Laughing With Glee. As He Came Closer He Saw It Was A Bunch Of Young Women Skinny-dipping In His Pond. He Made The Women Aware Of His Presence And They All Went To The Deep End Of The Pond. One Of The Women Shouted To Him, "we're Not Coming Out Until You Leave!"

    The Old Man Frowned, "i Didn't Come Down Here To Watch You Ladies Swim Naked Or Make You Get Out Of The Pond Naked." Holding The Bucket Up He Said, "i'm Just Here To Feed The Alligator."

    Moral: Old Age And Cunning Will Triumph Over Youth And Enthusiasm Every Time.
    __________________

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    collinsville, ok
    Posts
    86

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    an ol' boy was coming up from the river with an ice chest full of fish when he came face to face with the game warden. the game warden asked if he had a fishing license. the guy said "no".
    the game warden asked " what are you doing with al of them fish then?"
    ol' boy answered, "theese are my pet fish, sir. you see, every so often i bring them down to let them swim arround. when it's time, i whistle and they all jump back in the ice chest."
    the game warden said " yeah, right."
    the ol' boy says " come on watch."
    he dumps the fish in the river and after a while the game warden says "you gonna whistle for them?"
    "for who?"
    "the fish"
    "what fish?"

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    Redneck Church
    -------------------------

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee
    refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
    requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
    been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the
    "OK Chorale".

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
    members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
    "branding".

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
    what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
    donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
    really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
    drive matching pickup trucks.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
    Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
    applies to hunting dogs, too.

    You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
    benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"
    keep em coming

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    collinsville, ok
    Posts
    86

    Default

    a 90 year old man and a 60 year old woman were getting married and went to the doctor for physicals and blood tests. the old woman went in and given her age, she was in fine health. as was the old man but, the old man asked for a sperm count.
    the doctor said "sir, given your age and her age, i don't advise you two trying to have kids."
    the old man answered, "look here doc, i'm paying you for your services so just do what i ask."
    so, the doctor handed him a cup, told him to fill it as full as he could and bring it back. the old man returned with an empty cup.
    the doc said, "sir,as your doctor i have to ask why the cup is empty."
    the old man said, "doc, i tried with my right hand and it got tired so i tried with my left hand and it got tired. then i got her to help me and she tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out, we couldn't get the lid off the stinkin' thing for nothin."

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Raymore Missouri
    Posts
    1,920

    Default

    An elderly couple were getting ready to go to the doctor for the mans
    regular checkup. At the clinic the doctor gave the man three cups and requested a sperm, urine, and stool sample. Being very hard of hearing
    and confused, he looked at his wife and asked "Huh...what he say".
    She replied "He wants your underwear"

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

    Applications such as Poker-Night 10.3, Football 5.0, hunting/Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run they crash the system when selected..

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

    Please help!

    Thanks, A Troubled User (SEE REPLY BELOW)
    ______________________________________

    REPLY:

    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run everything.

    It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. and impossible to uninstall or purge from the system, once installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. (Re: Wife 1.0 manual - Warnings/Alimony/Child-Support.)

    I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
    situation. I furthermore suggest that you install the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
    because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be extremely high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean/sweep 3.0, Cook-It 1.5 and Do-Bills 4.2.

    However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5 and once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

    WARNING!!! Never, under any circumstance, install Short-Skirt-Secretary 3.3 because this application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to your entire operating system.

    Best of luck,
    Tech Support

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    The Dinner

    A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
    This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
    They all sit down eating a fine meal.
    The woman is beginning to feel alittle discomfort thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and she lets out a little "one". It wasn't loud but everyone at the table hear the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends dad looked at the dog that had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!". A couple of minutes later she was beginning to feel pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let an even louer and longer "one" rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled "Skippy". Once again the woman smiled and thought yes! A few minutes later the woman let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. Once again the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Darnit Skippy get away from her before she poops on you!"

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

    A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

    After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

    And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has *** with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder ***. But no one says a word...!!!!

    By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
    __________________

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Redneck Jedi
    You know you're a redneck jedi when..
    You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
    You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
    Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
    You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
    At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
    You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
    You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
    The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
    Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
    You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
    You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
    You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
    You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
    You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
    You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
    Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
    You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
    You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
    You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
    Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
    ______________

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