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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #281
    Join Date
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    asheville n.c.
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    Corporate Lesson 1 :
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
    "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
    avoidable exposure.

    Corporate Lesson 2:
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Corporate Lesson 3:
    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
    The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

    Corporate Lesson 4:
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
    "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
    __________________

  2. #282
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Mundo, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
    I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
    When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
    "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
    "Are you sure?" Mundo asked.
    "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
    While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
    When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
    "Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
    "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
    __________________

  3. #283
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    Feb 2007
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    When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

    Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

    Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
    Answer: Tied shoes.

    Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

    Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work
    and refuses to retire?
    Answer: NUTS!

    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
    attic or garage?
    Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
    kids will want to store stuff there.

    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer: Normal.

    Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school
    as a retiree?
    Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

    Question: What is a retirees definition of "Getting Lucky"?
    Answer: Means they found their car in Walmart parking lot!

  4. #284
    Join Date
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    A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

    Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.

    He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

    He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,

    .....

    .....

    .....

    .... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
    __________________

  5. #285
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    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

    Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

    Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

    Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include pounding headache, resistance to loud noises, dizziness, nausea, dehydration, dry mouth, vomiting, dry heaves, diarrhea, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, loss of spouse, loss of job, loss of life, delusions of grandeur, fighting, table dancing, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

    Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.
    __________________

  6. #286
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, September 28, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

    Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

    Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

    Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

    Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

    Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

    Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

  7. #287
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Rules of the West

    They are as follows!!!
    1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
    2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
    3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a
    pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
    going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
    4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like
    money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65
    goes north and south. Pick one.
    5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
    combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
    6. So every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being
    friendly. Understand the concept.
    7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we
    WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to
    your ear at the time.
    8. Yeah, we eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi &
    caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
    9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
    religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10.
    We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless
    of age.
    11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or
    you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
    turkey.
    12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
    vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
    Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
    you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
    13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and
    served
    over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know
    how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
    14. College and High School Football is as important here as the
    Lakers
    and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
    15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
    spooks the fish.
    16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
    Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education
    plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
    17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So
    don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
    18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
    music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
    your boxers! Refer back to #1!

  8. #288
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
    618

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    HOW TO INSTALL A TEXAS HOME SECURITY

    1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 Work boots.

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. ; ;

    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

    "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. "PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
    __________________

  9. #289
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
    Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
    presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
    vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
    you chop away.

    3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
    the toilet seat. just use the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
    yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
    pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

    5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
    prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
    after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
    laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
    hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

    8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
    of life really are:

    In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
    Tape.
    If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
    If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

    9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
    know them.



    Thought for the Day:

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
    GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
    YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

  10. #290
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
    Posts
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    Talkative Wife (***Heavily Sanitized***)

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
    says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
    at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
    be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
    control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
    over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
    your darn mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
    thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
    illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
    wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darnit,
    can't you keep your mouth shut?"

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
    not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
    $75 fine."

    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it
    on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
    could get my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
    didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
    belt when you're driving."

    And as the police officer is writing out the third
    ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
    DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
    your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


    "Only when he's been drinking."

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