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  1. #1
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    Feb 2007
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    asheville n.c.
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    Default Humor Thread

    Ok to get this thread started just tell us jokes but keep them clean.

    why does a blond have tgif inside their shoes?
    toes go in first

  2. #2
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    Default

    old man has been going to pet store for years to buy his pet food. One day he goes in and a parrot is in the back that notices him and squawks to get his attention and tells the man to come here he has something to tell him. Well the old man goes back there and the parrot tells him to lean down ive got something to tell you. The man leans down and parrot says "your the ugliest person ive ever seen!" The old man is preturbed so he goes to buy his food and leaves. This goes one again the following week, and the week after that. Well the man is quite ill about it and goes to the manager and complains that this parrot is very disrespectful, ive been a customer for a long time and i will take my business elsware if it continues. The manager assures him that it will not happen again. The next week goes by and the old man enters the store. The parrot sees him and beckons the man over. The parrot says "lean down here ive got something to tell you." the man leans over close to the parrot and the parrot looks him in the eye and says "youuuu know."

  3. #3
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    Oct 2006
    Posts
    642

    Default Irish Humor - St Patty's Day

    QUESTION: What do you call an Irish girl who sits out on the deck all day and night?

    ANSWER: Patty O'Furniture


    QUESTION: What the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?


    ANSWER: One less drunk!

  4. #4
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    What do you call a fly without wings?......a walk

    what do you call a dog with no legs?..........doesn't matter....he won't come anyway
    Last edited by monte55; 04-27-2008 at 06:26 AM.

  5. #5
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    Default

    20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY



    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
    hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
    with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
    over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

    7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

    8. dont use any punctuation

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Order a Diet Water whenever yo! u go out to eat - with a serious
    face.

    11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".

    12. Sing along at the opera.

    13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
    all day at work.

    14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't come to their
    party because you're not in the mood.

    16. Have your co-workers call you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

    17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
    "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
    have to let one of you go."

    20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ... e-mail
    this to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy.

  6. #6
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    Default

    Nine Months Later



    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.



    "I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"



    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.

    And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"



    "Yes, I do." said Bob



    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"



    "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."



    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"



    "She just died and left me everything."



    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

  7. #7
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    6

    Cool Purina diet

    A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

    The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

    He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

    Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his ***** and a car hit him.

    The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.
    Miller Econo Twin HF AC/DC / Gas Tungsten Arc.

  8. #8
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    Default

    People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
    at the front of the church.

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
    trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
    incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
    gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious
    to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

    "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
    all eternity?" persisted Satan.

    "Yep," was the calm reply.

    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

    "Nope," said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
    afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
    __________________

  9. #9
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    Default

    Finally, the guys' side of the story.
    (I must admit, it's pretty good.)


    We always hear "the rules"
    from the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
    don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
    and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
    we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible,
    please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
    we will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
    is fine..Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
    prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

    but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can -
    to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can -
    to give them a bigger laugh!!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    asheville n.c.
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    Default

    A Rooster Named Ralph

    A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster. He wants chicks so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Ralph. He'll service every hen you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000. It's a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Ralph.

    The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gives the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

    Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. Wham! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times. The farmer is shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham!, Ralph gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out, both feet sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

    The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself!"

    Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhsshh! They're getting closer."

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