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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #1
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    Default Humor Thread

    Ok to get this thread started just tell us jokes but keep them clean.

    why does a blond have tgif inside their shoes?
    toes go in first

  2. #2
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    old man has been going to pet store for years to buy his pet food. One day he goes in and a parrot is in the back that notices him and squawks to get his attention and tells the man to come here he has something to tell him. Well the old man goes back there and the parrot tells him to lean down ive got something to tell you. The man leans down and parrot says "your the ugliest person ive ever seen!" The old man is preturbed so he goes to buy his food and leaves. This goes one again the following week, and the week after that. Well the man is quite ill about it and goes to the manager and complains that this parrot is very disrespectful, ive been a customer for a long time and i will take my business elsware if it continues. The manager assures him that it will not happen again. The next week goes by and the old man enters the store. The parrot sees him and beckons the man over. The parrot says "lean down here ive got something to tell you." the man leans over close to the parrot and the parrot looks him in the eye and says "youuuu know."

  3. #3
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    Default Irish Humor - St Patty's Day

    QUESTION: What do you call an Irish girl who sits out on the deck all day and night?

    ANSWER: Patty O'Furniture


    QUESTION: What the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?


    ANSWER: One less drunk!

  4. #4
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    What do you call a fly without wings?......a walk

    what do you call a dog with no legs?..........doesn't matter....he won't come anyway
    Last edited by monte55; 04-27-2008 at 06:26 AM.

  5. #5
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    20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY



    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
    hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
    with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
    over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

    7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

    8. dont use any punctuation

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Order a Diet Water whenever yo! u go out to eat - with a serious
    face.

    11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".

    12. Sing along at the opera.

    13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
    all day at work.

    14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't come to their
    party because you're not in the mood.

    16. Have your co-workers call you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

    17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
    "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
    have to let one of you go."

    20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ... e-mail
    this to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy.

  6. #6
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    Nine Months Later



    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.



    "I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"



    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.

    And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"



    "Yes, I do." said Bob



    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"



    "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."



    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"



    "She just died and left me everything."



    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

  7. #7
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    When at a garage sale.........offer triple the amount wanted for an item. Insist that they sign a contract so they will be less apt to change their mind.

  8. #8
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    Default

    ented Gynecologist
    >>
    >>A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
    >>and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another
    >>career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to
    >>change careers and become a mechanic.
    >>
    >>He found out from the local technical college what was involved,
    >>signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned
    >>all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
    >>the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed
    >>the exam with tremendous skill.
    >>
    >>When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
    >>had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
    >>instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
    >>outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error
    >>which needed adjusting."
    >>
    >>The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
    >>apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You
    >>put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
    >>worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say,
    >>"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through
    >>the muffler."
    ______________

  9. #9
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    Default

    This could be most anyplace.

    A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

    The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

    "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

    "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

    "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."

    "You gotta be kidding me!"

    "It's no joke, sir."

    "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

    "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

    "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

    "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
    registration immediately!"

    "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

    The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

    Teaching by example is not a lost art..........
    __________________

  10. #10
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    Subject: FW: Disorder In The Court!

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you ***ually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15.

    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

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