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a list of tools you need to read

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  • a list of tools you need to read

    dont remember where got this

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
    and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
    freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
    guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou"

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in holes
    until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
    of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by women.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
    If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
    conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
    socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
    upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
    known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
    shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
    a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
    vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
    benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
    about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
    say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
    somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids and for opening old style copper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
    on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
    travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
    bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off
    their heads.
    Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
    parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
    yelling a string of obscenities at the top of your lungs. It is also,
    most often, the next tool that you will need.

  • #2
    It's funny because it's true.

    Comment


    • #3
      Correction:

      AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw

      AVIATION METAL SNIPS: At tool use to replicate to cutting surfaces of razor wire on any sheet metal material you are cutting. Also designed to simultanisly test the new cutting edges on your hand at the same time.



      Addition:

      HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
      used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
      adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

      Probably one of the most versitile tools in any shop. Uses vary from paper weight to stress enhancer / reliever. Swing repeatedly at nonmoving part until desired level of strees is reached or until exhaustion allows you to take a relaxing nap.

      Comment


      • #4
        I must need a different hammer. My arm get way to tired before the stress is reduced.

        Comment


        • #5
          Don't forget rule #1 of 'Man Law':

          When getting a new tool or device,
          A. Un-pack it.
          B. Throw away the instruction book.
          C. Disconnect all safety devices.


          .

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Winger Ed. View Post
            Don't forget rule #1 of 'Man Law':

            When getting a new tool or device,
            A. Un-pack it.
            B. Throw away the instruction book.
            C. Disconnect all safety devices.


            .
            how true

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm about 99% certain that list came from Peter Egan's Side Glances column in Road and Track. If I'm wrong, it sure sounds like his stuff.

              I've seen it a bunch of times and it always makes me laugh

              Comment


              • #8
                funny stuff.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Very entertaining, there is a lot of truth in them.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Funny , all true

                    Comment

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