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  • #46
    Top 10 Pet Peeves (from your dog)
    1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

    2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!

    3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

    4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

    5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why We chew your stuff up when you're not home.

    6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

    7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

    8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

    9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

    10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile!

    Comment


    • #47
      DIARY

      of a

      SNOW SHOVELER



      DECEMBER 6: 6:00 PM

      It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our ****tails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow.


      DECEMBER 7:

      We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight ! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World ? Moving here was the best idea I ever had.

      Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a young boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life !


      DECEMBER 12:

      The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a White Christmas.

      No snow on Christmas would be awful ! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.


      DECEMBER 14:

      Snow lovely snow ! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to – 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and the sidewalks.

      This is the life ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.


      DECEMBER 15:

      20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer.

      The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t living in Alaska, after all.


      DECEMBER 16:

      Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway, putting down salt. Hurts like the ****ens. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.







      DECEMBER 17:

      Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.


      DECEMBER 20:

      Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night.

      More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel for me, but they all said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re all sold out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.


      DECEMBER 22:

      Bob was right about a White Christmas because 23 more inches of the darn white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee’d and got dressed again, I was to tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.


      DECEMBER 23:

      Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts ! ! ! ! ! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago ? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.


      DECEMBER 24:

      Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes roaring down the street at 100 mile an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just shoveled !

      This evening the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that darn snowplow.


      DECEMBER 25:

      Merry Christmas.

      20 more inches of the white stuff last night. Snowed in.

      The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow ! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation for the needy and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

      If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life “ one more time, I’m going to kill her !







      DECEMBER 26:

      Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here ? It was all HER idea.

      She’s really getting on my nerves !


      DECEMBER 27:

      Temperature dropped to – 30 and the pipes froze.


      DECEMBER 28:

      Warmed up to about – 20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy ! ! ! !


      DECEMBER 29:

      10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof off or it could cave in.

      That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am ?


      DECEMBER 30:

      Roof caved in.

      The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.

      The wife went home to her mother.

      9 more inches of snow predicted for tomorrow.


      DECEMBER 31:

      Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling ! ! !


      JANUARY 8:

      I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

      Why am I strapped to this bed ?

      Comment


      • #48
        This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

        woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her

        rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple

        seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still

        working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me

        so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my

        other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car

        using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away

        from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and

        burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the **** phone, soaked my trousers,

        and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers!!!
        __________________

        Comment


        • #49
          A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and has not
          seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."_
          _
          To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
          whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and
          asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find
          it.__Be strong, honey. I love you too.

          Comment


          • #50
            A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
            She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
            but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
            the newspaper for a ranch hand.

            Two men applied to the job. One was *** and the other a drunk. She
            thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
            decided to hire the *** guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
            around the house than the drunk.

            He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
            a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
            ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to
            the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
            great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

            The hired hand readily agreed and went into the town one Saturday
            night. One o'clock cam, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock,
            and no hired hand.

            He returned around 2:45 a.m. and upon entering the room he found the
            rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
            for him.

            She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
            off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

            "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

            "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed
            neatly by her boots.

            "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
            told and dropped it to the floor.

            "Now, she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
            slowly pulled them down and off.

            Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
            again, I'll fire you."

            Comment


            • #51
              A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
              The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
              Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

              Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

              The parrot yelled back.

              John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

              John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
              in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

              Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer.

              The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
              "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
              I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

              John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

              Comment


              • #52
                A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word
                "fascinate" in a sentence.

                Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
                and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

                The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
                fascinate, not fascinating.

                Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
                fascinated."

                The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
                the word "fascinate."

                Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
                been burned by Little Johnny before.

                She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
                "fascinate", so she called on him.

                Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
                BOOBS are so big she can only fasten eight."

                The teacher cried.

                Comment


                • #53
                  Man Dictionary

                  I'M GOING FISHING"
                  Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
                  "IT'S A GUY THING"
                  Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
                  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
                  Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
                  "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
                  Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
                  "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
                  Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
                  "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
                  Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.
                  "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
                  Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
                  "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
                  Translated: "Are you still talking?"
                  "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
                  Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
                  "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
                  Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
                  "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
                  Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
                  "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
                  Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
                  "I CAN'T FIND IT."
                  Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
                  "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
                  Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
                  "I HEARD YOU."
                  Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
                  "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
                  Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
                  "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
                  Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
                  "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
                  Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
                    After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you
                    make today?" The Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64."
                    Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the **** did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new 'fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine
                    Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
                    took him to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
                    Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
                    __________________

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Oklahoma? Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
                      __________________

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Santa's Bad Day

                        When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
                        produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
                        feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

                        Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
                        stressed Santa even more.

                        When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
                        were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
                        heaven knows where.

                        More stress.

                        Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy
                        bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

                        So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
                        Shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had
                        hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
                        In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
                        into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
                        get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

                        Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
                        opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
                        tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
                        lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
                        stick it?"

                        And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
                        tree..............

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          You know you're living in 2004 when...


                          1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
                          2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
                          3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
                          4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
                          5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
                          6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
                          7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
                          8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
                          10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
                          11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
                          12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
                          13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
                          14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
                          15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
                          16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
                          17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
                          18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
                          19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
                          20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
                          AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's >>>
                            birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
                            over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
                            shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
                            and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
                            the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
                            sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
                            He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 >
                            >reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
                            sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell
                            all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As
                            she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds
                            like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally
                            breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
                            no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he
                            wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the
                            sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "The woman is totally confused by
                            this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you
                            get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
                            Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              A man walks into a supermarket and asks a kid in the produce department "How much will it cost me to purchase half a head of lettuce".

                              The kid with a strange look on his face says "I'll have to ask my boss, I'll be right back"

                              The kid walks over to his bosses office and says" Some idiot out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce"

                              Without realizing that the man had followed him to the office and was standing behind him, the kid quickly says "And this fine gentleman would like to puchase the other half"

                              After the man purchased the half head of lettuce, the boss asked to see the kid in his office.

                              "I was very impressed on how you handled that, you were very quick on your feet" says the boss. " Where are you from kid?"

                              " I just moved here from Canada " say the boy.

                              " What brings you down here to the States " replies the boss.

                              " I got sick of living there, The only thing they have in Canada are *****s and Hockey players " says the boy.

                              After a moment of silence the boss says " My Wife is from Canada "

                              Without hesitation the boy shockingly asks " Really, what team did she play for?
                              __________________

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                raveling salesman was driving down a small country road one day when suddenly he saw a pig with three legs and a wooden stump for the fourth leg standing by the gate to a farmhouse. He slid to a stop and backed up and turned into the driveway. He parked his car and walked up to the front porch and asked the old farmer sitting there why the pig had only three legs and a wooden stump. The farmer began bragging on this pig. He started telling the salesman how “wonderful and fantastic this pig is!! This pig is the best pig on the earth! Why, one night our house caught on fire and this pig managed to get out of his pen and run around the house squealing and making all kinds of racket. He ran up and beat on the front door and ran around to beat on the back door. Finally woke us all up and we got out of the house before it burned down. No one was hurt. All thanks to this wonderful pig!!! The salesman asked why the pig had only three legs. The farmer replied, “Well, ‘a pig this great you can’t eat all at once, can you?

                                Comment

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