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  • ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC
    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    SHOPPING MATH
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
    little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
    understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY
    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
    more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    __________________

    Comment


    • Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
      couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said,
      "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!!



      We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
      Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
      drinkin'these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads
      then throw the bottles under the seat."

      "What fer?" asked Bubba.

      "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

      Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
      and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

      When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
      "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"

      "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...

      Me and Bubba's on the Patch."
      __________________

      Comment


      • Every parents worst nightmare
        A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS
        NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
        THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT
        WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE
        AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

        DEAR DAD:
        IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE
        WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
        I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL
        HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY
        THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY
        TOGETHER

        EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY
        OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE
        WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF
        MY DREAMS TOO.

        BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE
        GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE
        AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A
        CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

        DON'T WORRY DAD; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
        SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
        GRANDCHILDREN .

        YOUR SON,

        Bill

        P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I JUST
        WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD
        THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

        CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.
        __________________

        Comment


        • The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a
          coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together.

          No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he
          snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one
          of them stay with him the whole time,so they vote to
          take turns.

          The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to
          breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all
          bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?"

          He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched
          him all night."

          The next night it was a different coach's turn. In
          the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes
          all bloodshot.

          They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

          He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched
          him all night."

          The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big
          burly ex-football player-looking type of man's man.

          Next morning , he comes to breakfast bright eyed and
          bushy tailed. "Good morning."

          They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what
          happened?"

          He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
          tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He
          watched me all night."

          Comment


          • Dog vs. Cat
            As seen in a dog's diary:
            7am -Oh Boy! A Walk! My favorite!

            8am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My favorite!

            9am - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

            Noon - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

            2pm - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

            3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

            4pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

            6pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

            7pm - Oh Boy! Dad! My favorite!

            8pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

            11pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in a people bed! My favorite!



            As seen in a cat's diary:

            Day 183 of my captivity...My captors continue to taunt me with
            bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while
            I am forced to eat dry cereal.

            The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
            mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
            another house plant. Today, my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
            around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded - must try
            this at the topof the stairs.

            In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
            again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on
            their bed.

            Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an
            attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
            fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
            little cat I was. Hmmmm, not working according to plan.

            There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
            in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
            smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due
            to my powers of inducing "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to
            use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
            and maybe snitches.

            The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
            He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be
            an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
            every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
            is assured. But, I can wait, it is only a matter of time......
            __________________

            Comment


            • a jew, a muslim, and a televangelist are all traveling together. late one night when they finally decide to stop for the night, the only building around is an old farm house. the three knock on the door and the farmer comes to the door. they tell him they need a place to stay for the night. he agrees to let them stay but one of the has to sleep in the barn. well the jew steps up and says he'll sleep out side. they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the jew comes back "i cant sleep out there w/ the pigs. it wouldn't be kosher" so then the muslim agrees to sleep outside. once again they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the muslim comes back. "i can not sleep out there! the cow is sacred in my religion, i am not worthy" the televangelist finally agrees to sleep in the barn. they all go to bed, once again. ten minutes later the farmer hears another knock on the door. when he opens it, there standing are the cow and pig.
              _______________

              Comment


              • A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

                Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

                "Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round

                of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our *****

                into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting

                around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

                I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a

                golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle

                of the cows butt.

                " That's when I made my big mistake."

                "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

                "Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this

                looks like yours!'

                I don't remember much after that."
                __________________

                Comment


                • The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
                  their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
                  Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
                  "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky,....what you see?"
                  The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
                  "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
                  The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
                  speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
                  billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
                  Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three
                  in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
                  and we are but small and insignificant creatures. Meteorologically, it
                  seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

                  What's it tell you, Tonto?"
                  Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
                  buffalo. Someone has stolen tent!"
                  __________________

                  Comment


                  • The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
                    be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
                    the other possibility.

                    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
                    spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
                    plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

                    In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make
                    the sivil servants jump with joy.

                    The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K." This should klear up
                    konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

                    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
                    troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F." This will make words like
                    fotograf 20% shorter.

                    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
                    reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

                    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
                    ben a deterent to akurate speling.

                    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "E" in the languag is
                    disgrasful and it should go away.

                    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with
                    "Z" and "W" with "V."

                    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
                    and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

                    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
                    understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

                    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
                    forst plas.

                    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

                    Comment


                    • prison vs. work
                      IN PRISON. . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
                      AT WORK . . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
                      IN PRISON. . . . you get three meals a day.
                      AT WORK. . . . . you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
                      IN PRISON. . . . you get time off for good behavior.
                      AT WORK. . . . . you get more work for good behavior.
                      IN PRISON. . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
                      AT WORK. . . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the
                      doors for yourself.
                      IN PRISON. . . . you can watch TV and play games.
                      AT WORK. . . . . you can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
                      IN PRISON. . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
                      AT WORK.. . . . you can't even speak to your family.
                      IN PRISON. . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
                      required.
                      AT WORK. . . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
                      deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
                      IN PRISON. . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
                      AT WORK. . . . .you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
                      inside bars.

                      Comment


                      • One day, a bus full of horrendously ugly people was accidentally driven of a cliff. Everyone died.

                        In heaven, God yelled to them "I realize you have
                        been shunned by society when you were alive, so I will grant each of you
                        one wish!". The ugly people formed a big plan at the Pearly Gates, each of
                        them making a wish: to be pretty and handsome and suave.

                        One guy at the back started laughing. It started as a chuckle but began
                        increasing as the line progressed. When it was his turn, he was about to
                        fall on the floor.





                        When he finally got a breath out, he laughed " make 'em
                        all ugly again!"

                        Comment


                        • These are the actual INDIAN STYLE ABSENCES from parents-- including
                          spelling.

                          1. My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today.
                          please execute him.
                          2. Please excuse LIsa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
                          3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28. 29,30,
                          31, 32, and also 33.
                          4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
                          5. Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out
                          of a tree and misplaced his hip.
                          6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
                          7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
                          hurt in the growing part.
                          8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheresby
                          very close veins.
                          9. Chris will not be in schoolo because he has an acre in his side.
                          10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
                          11. Please excuse Tommy Yazzie for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
                          and his boots leak.
                          12. Irving Tso was absenent yesterday because he missed his bust.
                          13. Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
                          14. I kept Billie home becuase she had to go Christmas shopping becuase I
                          don't know her size she wear.
                          15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
                          the Sunday paper of the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it
                          was Sunday.
                          16. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
                          funeral.
                          17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
                          weekend with the Marines.
                          18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
                          gramps.
                          19. Please excuse linda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
                          20. MY Favorite excuse slip....... Maryann was absent December 11-16,
                          becuase she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her
                          sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had low grade
                          fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, eighter, sore throat and
                          fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last
                          night.

                          Comment


                          • A Blonde woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

                            She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

                            Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

                            The Blonde again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

                            Lotto night comes and still no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

                            Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

                            "Meet Me halfway on this Blondie, Please! "




                            V
                            V
                            V



                            " Buy a Ticket."
                            _________________

                            Comment


                            • a blonde is going to get her hair cut. she sits in the chair and the barber asks the blonde to take her head-phones off. "NO!" shouts the blonde. "if i take them off i will die!" so the barber just cuts around them. next time she comes to get her hair cut. its a different barber. this barber doesnt asks, he just yanks em right off her head. suddenly the blonde runs around for about 30 seconds and drops dead on the floor. the first barber then walks in. "what have u done! u werent supposed to take them off?" he then takes the head phones and puts them on. he hears.....


















                              "breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out
                              __________________

                              Comment


                              • A letter to Southerners
                                I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
                                Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

                                However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as:

                                1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

                                2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

                                3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

                                4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

                                5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

                                6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

                                7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

                                And Finally,

                                8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree!!!!!

                                Sincerely Yours,

                                Santa Claus

                                Comment

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