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  • A MAN AND HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

    A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
    While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
    The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?
    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
    ______________

    Comment


    • Dear Tide:

      I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
      One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
      I thank you, again, for having such a great product.
      Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

      Comment


      • Dear Sir:

        I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

        I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

        Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

        Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

        You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.

        Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

        In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

        Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

        As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

        Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

        I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

        I hope this answers your inquiry."

        Comment


        • By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

          YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

          1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
          2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
          3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
          4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato augratin to grits.
          5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
          6. You've never had an RC cola or a Dr. Pepper.
          7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
          8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
          9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
          10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
          11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
          12. You don't have bangs.
          13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
          14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
          15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
          16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
          17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
          18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
          19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
          20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
          21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
          22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
          23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
          24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
          25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
          26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
          27. You don't know what applique is.
          28. You don't know anyone with at least two-first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
          29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
          30. You've never been to a craft show.
          31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
          32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
          33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
          __________________

          Comment


          • A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs in action. As it gallops along at a steady and rythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's puonding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. AS her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

            Comment


            • Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling in
              bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
              an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
              his bed.

              "What the heck are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
              you?" he asked.

              "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,
              and you are in heaven."

              "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
              young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

              "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as
              a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

              Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being
              a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and
              relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

              "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

              And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,
              really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
              was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

              "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he
              said. "How do you like being a hen?"

              "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is about to
              explode."

              "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going
              on. You need to lay an egg."

              "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

              "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

              Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and
              then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
              "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again
              and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
              another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
              heard his wife shout:

              "Tom, FOR GODíS SAKE! Wake up! You're poopin all over
              the bed!"

              Comment


              • How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.


                A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

                Officer: May I see your driver's license?

                Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

                Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

                Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

                Officer: The car is stolen?

                Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

                Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

                Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

                Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

                Driver: Yes, sir.

                Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

                Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

                Driver: Sure. Here it is. [Presents valid driver's license]

                Captain: Whose car is this?

                Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. [Presents valid registration in his name]

                Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

                Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. [Shows officer that glove box does not contain gun]

                Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

                Driver: No problem. [Opens trunk...no body]

                Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

                Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

                Comment


                • Texas surgeons
                  Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
                  surgeries they had performed.

                  One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist
                  lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later
                  he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

                  One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
                  and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
                  gold medal in field events at the Olympics."

                  The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several yeas ago, a
                  cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into
                  a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was
                  the horse's buttocks and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United
                  States."

                  Comment


                  • Obedient Wife

                    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
                    money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died,
                    he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
                    it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
                    me."

                    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
                    he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

                    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
                    there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
                    the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
                    the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

                    She had a box with her, she came over with the ! box and put it in the
                    casket.

                    Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
                    So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
                    money in there with your husband."

                    The loyal wife replied," Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

                    You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

                    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
                    account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

                    Comment


                    • i thought this was supposed to b a u might b a welder if jokes
                      lincoln 140c
                      with spool gun attachment

                      Comment


                      • A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
                        This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
                        of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is
                        full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

                        The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you
                        make a week?"

                        A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
                        "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

                        The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's
                        four weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!

                        Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
                        the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
                        here?"

                        With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza
                        delivery guy from Domino's."

                        Comment


                        • WORK vs PRISON

                          IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
                          AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8
                          cubicle.

                          IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
                          AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
                          it.

                          IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
                          AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

                          IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
                          AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
                          the doors for yourself.

                          IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
                          AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

                          IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
                          AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee
                          on the seat.

                          IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
                          AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

                          IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
                          required.
                          AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
                          they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

                          IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
                          get out.
                          AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
                          go inside bars.

                          IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
                          AT WORK...........they are called managers.

                          Comment


                          • Arresting Quotations


                            The following were taken off of "actual" police car videos around the country.

                            "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worth less document."

                            "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

                            "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

                            "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

                            "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

                            "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

                            "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

                            "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

                            "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

                            "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

                            "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

                            "Just how big were those two beers?"

                            "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

                            "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

                            "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

                            Comment


                            • Monday, May 2

                              Dear Friends:

                              It is important for men to remember that as women grow Older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of Housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

                              Signed, Bob

                              Bob's funeral was on Saturday, May 7th.

                              Nancy was acquitted Monday, May 9th.

                              Comment


                              • WIFE VS. HUSBAND

                                A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

                                An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

                                Comment

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